Widows Quest

July 24th, 2008

Is there life after grief?

Over at The Gazette they asked their readers if there is life after grief?

The answers are both comforting - people have found happiness and also painful, for example

Robert Roy had a tragic tale to tell. His first wife, to whom he was married for 23 years, died from cancer four years ago.

“After six months I believed I would never be happy again.” But he did find happiness again, with a loving girlfriend. It didn’t last, though. She was diagnosed with cancer last August and died in March this year.”Now the only thing I can do is … remember that I had found life after grief before … (and) … remember the beautiful moments I had with those two amazing women, without the pain I have today.”

One comment that made me think about grief was

“Leslye Lang, widowed 10 years ago, answered forthrightly: “There is no life after grief. … Grief is now part of who you are.”  “

I am not sure I agree. A death is painful, bereavement brings an end to one part of your life…but as much as it hurts I don’t think we can say “Life is Over”. For me, that part of your life has ended but there are other chapters to write - we don’t know if they will be happy or sad…but life will go on.

What do you think? 

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July 23rd, 2008

How I will honour Dad’s memory

When Dad died I was devastated and still am….we had a strange relationship in many ways. We were so similar and yet found it difficult later in life to connect. I still don’t understand why….

Fortunately at the end of his life - he died of dementia - we became close and we both managed to say those three little words to each other. Families are strange aren’t they…..now he isn’t he, I miss him soooo very much.

Anyway it will be his birthday on August 12th and I wanted to do something that honours his memory. He loved people, he loved to share, he was the champion for the underdog. So I was thinking that on 12 August I will bring together stories or memorials of other people who have lost people, they loved.

To this end if you want to join in the email me at anna@b5media.com with either

• A story that makes you smile of someone you have lost
• A dedication for someone you loved and lost
• A poem inspired by your grief
• Or a link to an article that you have written about the death or grief over a loved one

So that I have time to pull them together could you get them to me by 10 August 2008. 

Let’s make that day special and show the power of love, the power of sharing and the power of memories…. 

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July 23rd, 2008

Dealing with Childrens Grief

I was reading an article called Navigating Life After Death over at The Age. It made me think how we block out memories when often it is best to keep those memories. For instance with children removing memories could hurt more than keeping the memory alive. In one example 

“One little girl wouldn’t have it. “Where’s that old chair that sat there? That’s where I used to sit on my daddy’s knee!” Her mother traced the buyer through the thrift shop and put it under the Christmas tree. “

In this example, the chair was connected to happy memories. Removing the chair, removed that happiness.

I wonder what I have removed that might be my “chair”…….have you removed a memory that you need to find to bring you comfort in your grief? 

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July 22nd, 2008

When Life Doesn’t Feel Worth the Pain

There are days when all of us wonder whether the pain is worth it, when we have no fight left in our body, when we cannot face waking up the next morning….

When that happens it is overwhelming and difficult to deal with, you know there are things in your life that “should” be making you happy, you know that you “should” be grateful for what you have….yet our concentration is on what you haven’t got.

I have never found the right words to comfort myself or others in this situation - I would love to hear your ideas?

But if that is how you are feeling then just hold on to life as tightly as you can…..if you take your own life, then all you do is pass the pain from your heart to others. All you do is remove another good person from the world , who brings love to a world so much in need of as much love it can find.

Life may seem meaningless, life may seem not worth it…..but as my Dad once said “Don’t give in to the pain, the pain is there so that you enjoy, really enjoy the good times. Pain will not destroy you, only losing the capacity to love. So when you feel down, reach out to love…...loving is the one thing that pain cannot survive” 

I think he was right. He didn’t mean love in a purely sexual sense but love in the   desire to make all those around you happy, love in the sense of bringing value to the  life of others. 

….And hold on tight to the knowledge that one day, one day you will be so grateful for hanging tough in those dark days.

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July 21st, 2008

Getting back to nature to ease my grief

Yesterday I was determined not to feel sorry for myself, not to give in to those weekend feelings when I feel lonely and when my feelings seem out of control.

So I volunteered to help my best friend in her garden. Gosh it was hard work and after hours of weeding, digging, mowing, and clearing I felt great…why? Well, it is amazing how physical work gets the right positive chemicals flowing through your brain.

I have never really liked gardening and I think it helps it was not something we would have done together…it didn’t bring back old painful memories, it created new memories of laughing as my friend and I realised we were getting older as our backs started to ache!

I also think there is a lot to say for getting closer to nature, nature is wonderfully peaceful, nature has that cycle of birth and death, nature has a beauty that can only make you smile.

So my task now is to see if it was gardening that made me smile, or whether it was the company of a good friend…..I hope that in my garden I can find some solace from the grieving.

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July 20th, 2008

Carnival of Positive Thinking

Here is our Sunday set of articles that will help us face our week ahead. I organise this carnival so that we can balance our grief with trying to think about the future

GP presents You Gotta Get Out of Your Kitchen posted at Innstyle Montana- Come on Inn, saying, “Beliefs about what we should be able to do often get in the way of actually doing. We feel we should be more organized, more creative, better in one way or another.”

Christophe T Joseph presents How to Find Happiness While Escaping Materialism posted at Everyday Personal Development – Christophe Joseph.

Rei presents Re-Post: Guard Your Thoughts and Your Words posted at Stay September.

Hortensa Dewalt presents Positive Thinking - Révolutionnaires féminins posted at Baby bloggers parents companion, saying, “A blog post on how to be positive when things go wrong and the negative impact that negative thinking can have.”

Patrick Schwerdtfeger presents Become an Organizer of a Successful Meetup Group posted at Tactical Execution, saying, “Grow your confidence by leveraging the powerful meetup.com platform to find like-minded people and forming a club or association.”

Gary Evans presents Abundance Is Natural posted at Good To Feel Good.

CG Walters presents Unlikely Agent of Wisdom posted at Into the Mist, saying, “There is no unlikely agent of wisdom. Only those we are least likely to recognize.”

Scott.Goolsby presents Religion: Bondage and Freedom posted at Unapologetic Genius, saying, “Article on religion and mysticism.”

Anand presents Building High Self-Esteem posted at Anand Dhillon .com, saying, “High self-esteem forms the foundation of a happy and successful life. This article details common misconceptions about self-esteem and how to go about becoming a high self-esteem person.”

Dawn Abraham Life Coach presents My Positive Thinking Secrets That Work like Magic! posted at Qualified Life Coach.

Andrew Scotchmer presents How To Be A Super Success (part one) | Complete Kaizen posted at Complete Kaizen.

SpiKe presents Self-Help Myths: The Early Bird Catches The Worm posted at Organize IT.

Fiona King presents How to Reach Age 99: 100 Essential Habits posted at Nursing Degree Guide.

Stephanie Bryant presents Within 28 Miles posted at U.S. Travel, saying, “One way to combat depression is to become involved in community and build relationships in person.”

Chris Edgar presents The World Is In Your Stomach posted at Purpose Power Coaching, saying, “As psychologists are increasingly recognizing, our perceptions of the world greatly depend on the sensations we’re experiencing in our bodies. The quality of what we’re feeling—whether it’s pain, tightness, relaxation, or something else—shapes how we see the world. This article is about how we can work with our bodies–through breathing, movement, relaxation and so on–to change our beliefs.”

Peter Murphy presents Communication Secrets For Success In Life posted at Communication Skills Power.

Tammy Powell presents An amazing lesson from today?s Wimbleton tennis champion posted at Majestic Tech by an Enlightened Wealth Institute student.

Dianne M. Buxton presents How To Find Emotional Intelligence and Positive Thinking In the Ballet World posted at Ballet Shoes and Pointe Shoes, saying, “This article is a review of educator Deborah Vogel’s new book “Train Your Brain: A Teen’s Guide To Well Being”. This book is a boost to parents raising kids with that intense artist’s emotionality - or your own artist’s emotionality.”

AndrewQ presents A Broken Cage posted at Baha’i Perspectives.

That concludes this edition. Submit your blog article to the next edition of positive thinking using our carnival submission form.

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July 19th, 2008

Our fear will be conquered through love

 A great quote on love and a thought for this weekend from John Middleton Murry

“There’s only one thing greater than my fear- that is my love. My love will always conquer my fear- but it can’t do it immediately. It needs the full force of my love to do it and it takes days for that to emerge out of its dark hiding places.”

What will see us through our fears, through our grief….that love that burns inside. It may take time to cope with their death, but I honestly believe with the love that we have then we can do it….

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July 18th, 2008

Weekends or even weak ends!

Am I the only one that struggles with weekends ? I think when you are grieving the weekends are often the hardest. During the week you can keep busy through work and then the weekends come…..and all the things that you used to do together, now don’t seem worthwhile.

Now I know that we should be able to go shopping or take a trip out to the countryside but I feel lonely because he is NOT there. We would laugh and make fun of each other, we would talk incessantly…..so doing those things just make me miss him more.

I wonder whether we need to do different things, or find new ways to spend your leisure time? I was wondering whether you struggle with the weekend or have found a way of making that time more enjoyable? Or is it just me!

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July 17th, 2008

A Story To Warm Your Heart

As widows or widowers we often wonder how we can carry on…and when I find articles that show how people have successfully got their life back on track I love to share as a way of showing that as long as we believe, then we will get through this grief cycle.

I was reading on the This is Swansea website about “a nursing student was devastated by the loss of her husband in a road crash.Showing remarkable courage and fortitude, she overcame her grief and completed her degree course.”

29 year old Joanne Thomas story is described by her personal tutor “Joanne had only been married for two years but this tragedy made her more determined to complete her studies, in memory of her husband.

“She proved this by showing great determination and tremendous courage to stay and successfully complete her studies with her original cohort.”

The completion of this nursing course will not bring back her husband but it will help her rebuild her confidence and show her that whatever life throws at her….she can cope. Just like you! 

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July 16th, 2008

We all need to deal with pain, in grief

I remember when my best friend lost her brother - her mother who was usually a weak person went into overdrive and rallied the family until they had all coped with his death. I looked at her one day, I had arrived early to pick my friend up who was still getting ready.

She was crying and looked awful. This was 6 months after her son had died. I held her hand and asked “How come the grief is coming out now?”

She turned and said “The family is OK, I can grieve now. You know when you bury pain, it doesn’t decompose…it is still there and when uncovered it will come out. When there are others around you, you may have to delay that grief….but it is only a delay…each of us have to grieve eventually. Over the last few months my husband and family needed me to be strong, I’ve did that out of my deep love for them….now out of a love of my lost son, I need to grieve and have asked the family to help me. Out of their love for me, they will”

The words….”when you bury pain, it doesn’t decompose” have stayed with me. We all need to deal with that pain at some stage. There is no right or wrong time, there is only a time that is right for the individual.

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